Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Complete 180

If you had asked me a month ago if I was happy, the answer would have been no. A month ago, I had no hope, nothing really to look forward to, no drive. Yea sure I have always been super involved with my kids and the American Legion Auxiliary, but when it came to anything "me" related, I had nothing.

  I seriously cannot believe that was me. My life has done a real 180 in two short weeks, and it feels AH MAY ZING. Like I have said before, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me, and I am free to be me. I am free to act like goofy, silly, crazy, little me. I can choose to have spicy food for dinner, or to just make cereal if I dont feel like cooking. The kiddos are happy, and are actually happier now then I have seen them in while. Sure it sucks that the 3 of them are currently sharing a room, but hey, it's only temporary!

While where I am right now, may only be a pit stop on the road of life, it certainly is a great one, and I will soak it up for all it's worth. I will stay up too late, drink too much, laugh till I cry, cry till I laugh, and probably get a sunburn or two (or 5). I will spend much needed time with some amazing ladies who helped me see my self worth, and will even introduce you all to a new character into my story: LB. While I do not have a shiny crystal ball to foresee the future, I do intend on him being here for quite a while. (insert cheesy smile here)

Monday, March 26, 2012

Mandi and the Cop VS. The Spider

It is well known in the Masshole house, that Mandi and spiders do not get along. Like one should not even put them in the same sentence, let alone the same room! Now that I no longer have my trusty spidey squisher (aka The Ex) I have come to terms with the fact that those little fuckers and I are in an all out war. As of Friday afternoon the score was Mandi- 3 Spiders- 0.... That was until I was on my way to go visit some family members...

I was driving down a semi busy street, right past a well known speed trap, when all of a sudden the biggestnastiestmotherfucking  spider started to crawl eye level on my windshield. Praying it was on the outside, I flicked my wipers on. Panic instantly hit me when I realized it was on the INSIDE! I have conveniently just cleared out my SUV so I had not a thing to attempt to kill it will. So instead of swerving like a maniac and panicking behind the wheel, I hauled ass into the parking lot of a local sports store, and immediately jumped out of my vehicle. I was freaking out like there was no tomorrow. 

 All of a sudden this large man dressed in black approached me and in a deep monotone voice said "Ma'am are you okay?". 
Quickly realizing that he was a police officer, and I better get my shit straight before I end up in the local looney bin, I managed to breathe out "There's a giant... spider.... in... my .... car....".
Sensing that I am completely scared shitless of spiders he says, again in his deep monotone voice "Would you like me to get that for you Ma'am?"
I screamed out "YES!" before he can even finish his sentence. 
He then reaches into my car and sees the poor unsuspecting spider getting closer to the driver side edge of the windshield, pulls out a hanky and squishes the little fucker. 
"Would that be all Ma'am?" He says, voice not wavering once.
"Yes, thank you so much." I manage to squeak out calmly.
 I get back into my SUV and drive away. My two little people had slept silently the whole time in the back seat, never wiser.

I was (still am!) mortified to say the least. And I know for a fact I was/will be the laughing stock of the B----------- Police Dept for quite some time.

Final score- Mandi-3 Cop-1 Spiders- still ZERO!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

When one chapter ends...

                                 Another begins...

But how does one know when that chapter is over? There is no closing line in reality. Or is there? Will this chapter of my life be over once I dot my I's and cross my T's when I sign on that dotted line? Or has it begun already? Is this hard part; the paperwork, the custody, the dividing up items, splitting pictures... Is this a whole separate chapter, or just the final end of the worst chapter in my history?

I have a better idea. Instead of starting a new chapter when this is all said and done, it will become a two parter. Part 1- the Heartache and how I overcame.  Part 2- After the weight has been lifted, and what my life has become because of it. I vow to never lose sight of me again. A good friend of mine has a tattoo to remind her of her own battles that she overcame "To thine ownself be true". That sounds like an amazing idea.  Not sure what it will say exactly, but to have that constant reminder of how strong I really am, and if I can overcome this, I can take on the world... okay maybe not the world, but at least whatever curve balls life decides to throw my way! And hey, I played softball in high school for a reason right?

Friday, March 23, 2012

In the Blink of an Eye

Has something ever happened in the blink of an eye that changed your life forever? I would seriously have a hard time counting mine on my fingers AND toes. Scary huh? Through the trials and tribulations of my young life, I have seen more tragedy and lost more special people then I care to admit.  But that hasn't hardened my outlook on life, in fact it makes me cherish each and every day. 

Two of the most important people in my life, died suddenly. One when I was a baby (read here) and another when I was the ripe young age of 14 (more to come on that). Both of these lives ended abruptly but yet taught me a very important life lesson: Live for today. Yes dream of the future and do what you can to make it better, but do not forget the here and now.  You honestly never know what tomorrow will bring, or if it will bring anything at all. So live it up, do it when you get the chance, don't save it for a rainy day, because what if that rainy day doesn't come? 

So much to share, so little time!

What a whirlwind month March has been for this momma. So many life changes happening, and for the first time in I don't know how long, I am happy about it. Not only happy about the changes, but just happy in general. I know in the past I have posted about the PTSD that surrounds my house. Well I am sorry to say, we succumbed to all the negativity, and The (soon to be) Ex and I have decided to separate divorce. Yup, that dreaded D word. We tried everything, every medicine, counseling, group therapy out there, and it all comes down to the simple fact: we were not made for each other. Sure we both have our good times and bad, but the bottom line is, we simply need to close this chapter in our lives and move on. Some days are harder then others.  Do I sit and cry myself to sleep at night? Actually I don't. Surprised? Nope, not I! Relieved is the word I would use. I literally feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. The burden of constant worry, and walking on eggshells is gone. I can now focus on myself and my children and provide us with a life that makes us all happy. We have officially been moved out for almost 2 weeks now, and I must admit, sleeping on my Bob-O-Pedic feels AMAZING on my back. Oh how I missed thee!! 

Was this decision easy to come to? Nope, not at all. In fact it took many many wonderful friends and family members pounding it in my head, to realize how bad of a situation I was living in, and even worse, letting my children see everyday.  After a quick chat with Peanuts teacher, she has informed me that she is adjusting extremely well to the move, and is doing better in school then ever before- yippie! So that just reaffirms that everything I am doing is for the better. Thing is, once I made the decision to be done, I never looked back, I didn't have that voice anymore telling me to go back. That voice is the burden I have been carrying for far too many years.

In other news.... I LANDED MY DREAM JOB! ! ! Like I cannot even tell you how thrilled I am!!!! I will explain more in detail in another post, but for now I will explain that I will be working full time helping Military families! For those of you who know me, you will surely understand how much this means to me. It literally is a dream come true.

 Everything is slowly falling into place piece by piece. I never thought I could feel like this, and have so much to look forward to, but I sure as hell do!  I seriously cannot wait to continue to share it with you guys!