When one chapter ends...

                                 Another begins...



But how does one know when that chapter is over? There is no closing line in reality. Or is there? Will this chapter of my life be over once I dot my I's and cross my T's when I sign on that dotted line? Or has it begun already? Is this hard part; the paperwork, the custody, the dividing up items, splitting pictures... Is this a whole separate chapter, or just the final end of the worst chapter in my history?


I have a better idea. Instead of starting a new chapter when this is all said and done, it will become a two parter. Part 1- the Heartache and how I overcame.  Part 2- After the weight has been lifted, and what my life has become because of it. I vow to never lose sight of me again. A good friend of mine has a tattoo to remind her of her own battles that she overcame "To thine ownself be true". That sounds like an amazing idea.  Not sure what it will say exactly, but to have that constant reminder of how strong I really am, and if I can overcome this, I can take on the world... okay maybe not the world, but at least whatever curve balls life decides to throw my way! And hey, I played softball in high school for a reason right?

The Cards I'm Dealt: The Beginning (1988)

The year was 1988, I was 7 months old. Memorial day weekend was on the horizon, the chilly New England Spring was giving way to warm summer nights. It started off as any normal day would. My mother and father each getting ready for their respective jobs, feeding me breakfast, the normal weekday routine.  I always wonder if they had known what was coming, if they would have kissed longer, hugged me a little tighter, or maybe even decided to stay home. 


It was a quick car ride to my grandparents house, where I would stay during the day while they were at work. I have fond memories of that house growing up with nanny and papa. Good byes were shared, and off to work they went. 


Ten minutes later, my life changed for good. Ten minutes later, my father was dead. Circumstances still unknown to this day, their car went off the road and down a small hill, right into a tree. The vehicle they were driving belonged to my fathers work. It was a handicapped accessible van. My father had been telling the maintenance people the seat belt was broken for months. They never fixed it. It is because of this, his chest went right into the steering wheel and he was killed almost instantly. What if it were fixed? Would he still be alive today? That question will haunt me forever.


Why didn't we sue them you ask? Between the shock and grief our family was suffering, and the fact the remains of the vehicle were torched while in their lot the night after, destroying whatever evidence may have been there... It never happened. Why did someone feel the need to torch ONLY that vehicle in the lot? Who knows... But I have think of it all the time. Wishing I could have done something.


And that is where the downhill spiral of my life began. But remember, these are the cards I am dealt, and no matter how crappy the hand, I will play them, anxiously waiting for the next round.


Love always,
Mandi

One of the only photos of my dad and I, that I can find.